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Dear Geraldine,
I have noted with interest your sensible response to my neighbours trifling concerns and so felt safe to entrust you with my more recent village drama.
This change in temperature has sadly necessitated a change in my well established routines, and I now find myself going for my daily constitutional in the early hours.
On one such excursion I found myself in Dark Lane, having just stepped in a dogs business. This is most unusual. In part because I always look where I’m going as falls at my age are particularly hazardous (I’m told) and also, I can only assume village dogs or owners are trained not to foul our paths and walkways.
Not only do I find myself having to purchase a new pair of slippers, i am now constantly checking on my neighbours dogs and specifically they size of their bottoms to see if I can find out the culprit to try and reclaim my losses as a substantial slipper is not cheap.
I would welcome and advice you see fit to give.
Dear reader:
Thank you for entrusting me with your latest village drama. I am very sorry to hear that the recent heatwave has forced you to abandon your established routine and take your daily constitutional in the early hours.
I had always thought the great advantage of an early morning walk was the peace and tranquillity.
Clearly, I had forgotten about the dogs.
Your unfortunate encounter in Dark Lane is particularly troubling. Not only have you been deprived of a perfectly good slipper, but you now appear to have been drawn into what can only be described as a full-scale canine forensic investigation.
I confess I admire your dedication.
However, I would urge a little caution when inspecting the bottoms of neighbouring dogs in an attempt to identify the offender. There is a considerable difference between discreetly observing a dog and standing in someone’s garden thinking, “Yes, I’m fairly certain that’s the one.”
You may also find that the dogs themselves are not especially forthcoming.
A guilty-looking Labrador is, after all, very difficult to distinguish from an innocent one. They both tend to look as though they have recently done something wrong.
As for the slipper, I would certainly retain it as evidence. A substantial slipper is not something to be casually written off, particularly when it has been prematurely retired in the line of duty.
I would suggest keeping it somewhere safe, although perhaps not on display in the sitting room. There is a danger that visitors may begin asking questions.
Perhaps the Village Hall Committee could establish a Gittisham Canine Incident Register, recording the date, location, approximate size and general characteristics of any future occurrences.
I am sure the Committee would be delighted to take this on, particularly if it involves another spreadsheet.
We already have committees for considerably less important matters.
Although I would suggest that the official title should be carefully considered. “Dog Poo Subcommittee”may be accurate, but I doubt it will encourage many volunteers.
In the meantime, I recommend a good torch, sensible footwear and perhaps a slightly more suspicious approach to Dark Lane.
Should you encounter another dog during your investigations, I would advise looking at its face rather than its bottom. If it suddenly looks embarrassed, you may be onto something.
And should the culprit eventually be identified, I feel the matter should be approached in the traditional Gittisham manner: politely, firmly and with just enough evidence to make it very difficult for anyone to deny responsibility.
I am, of course, happy to assist with the investigation.
I have already begun looking suspiciously at several dogs myself.
Not that I am casting aspersions.
But I will say this:
Some of them are looking distinctly shifty.
Yours in the interests of justice, footwear and village cleanliness,
Geraldine Gitt
Forever supplying boomer wisdom
Dear Geraldine,
May I firstly congratulate you on managing the quiet, but distinctly unpleasant backlash you received given your adequate reply to the concerns raised in June’s Gazette. Hardly fair, you answered to the best of your abilities.
As congratulations are in hand let us all applaud the ‘top tier’ of potato producers in the recent competition.Nothing short of amazing; some of the accompanying gasps that followed the revealing of those tubers were genuine; honestly.
However, the event having concluded successfully for another season, despite the vagaries of the weather thrown at those buckets, I feel it is now a time to raise another associated matter. It comes again from a collective whisper. The following is in NO WAY a suggestion of skullduggery on the part of any of those achieving that ‘top tier’.
It has come to notice, in other parts of our once fair land, of a rising suspicion that certain vegetable competitions – notably of the tuber kind- may have been, at best, ‘influenced’ by the introduction of Wegovy. This apparent issue, seemingly gathering weight (no pun intended), relates to the public beginning to access this drug as tablets. For many, upstanding citizens, that meant the proper disposal of any injectable form by returning it to a notable pharmacy. For some disreputable types this may be providing an illicit means of sabotaging the tubers of others.
Looking around, one cannot imagine anyone in our green and pleasant Gittisham succumbing to such malpractice, let alone having access to such means. Nevertheless, I am confident that come next year’s competition, a few of us will be securing our bucket of tubers closer than ever before.
Dear reader:
Thank you for your kind words regarding my previous correspondence. I was particularly touched by your observation that I had answered “to the best of my abilities”. I am not entirely sure whether that was a compliment, but at my age I have learned to accept praise wherever I find it.
It was, of course, wonderful to see another successful Potato in a Bucket competition, and I would like to add my congratulations to those whose tubers reached the upper echelons of the competition.
There were some truly magnificent specimens, and an abysmal 15g entry!
The annual presentation of Mr Potato Head was, as ever, a particularly proud moment for the village. I hopewe can all agree that this distinguished gentleman has earned his place among Gittisham’s most respected civic honours. He may have started life as a children’s toy, but after years of service he has acquired a dignity that some members of the Parish Council might struggle to match.
Indeed, I understand that the winning bucket was approached with the reverence normally reserved for a royal visit. Despite the usual winner being pipped to the post.
Which brings me to the matter of Wegovy.
I confess I was intrigued by the suggestion that pharmaceutical intervention may be creeping into the world of competitive potato growing. I am not sure what the manufacturers would make of it, and I certainly wouldn’t want to speculate on whether a potato can actually lose weight. In Gittisham, we have traditionally been rather more interested in putting weight on them, however there was definitely evidence of pharma misuse.
Still, the possibility that someone might deliberately interfere with another competitor’s crop is quite concerning.
Not that I believe for one moment that anyone here would do such a thing.
Gittisham is, after all, a close-knit community. We know our neighbours, we know their gardens and, in some cases, we know rather more about their gardening habits than they probably realise.
But perhaps a little vigilance would not go amiss.
Next year I shall certainly be keeping my bucket somewhat closer than before. I may even sleep with the shed key under my pillow. Although knowing my luck, this will merely result in a disturbed night’s sleep and a very suspicious-looking husband.
The most important thing is that we don’t allow all this speculation to detract from what is, after all, one of Gittisham’s finest traditions.
The potatoes are grown.
The buckets are admired.
The judges deliberate.
And eventually, Mr Potato Head chooses his next home.
Long may he reign.
Yours, with one eye on the potato patch,
Geraldine Gitt
Forever supplying boomer wisdom
Dear Ms Gitt,
Like many residents, I have found the recent spell of hot weather rather trying. While some have invested in paddling pools of questionable structural integrity and others have taken to standing in front of the freezer with the door open, I wonder whether Gittisham might embrace a rather more ambitious solution.
It has long struck me that the River Gitt is making only fleeting use of the village before continuing on its way. Would it not be possible to persuade it, temporarily of course, to take a gentle detour through the park, thereby creating a naturally replenished open-air swimming pool for the benefit of all?
I appreciate there may be those who raise concerns over water quality, but I understand that nature has already provided us with a perfectly adequate filtration system in the form of newts. I cannot pretend to understand precisely how this works, but they seem conscientious little creatures and are surely overdue some formal recognition for their public service.
Naturally, provision should also be made for the annual duck race. A modest diversion dam, opened by a ceremonial sandbag or perhaps a retired parish councillor with a shovel, would allow competitors to proceed with minimal disruption while adding an exciting tidal element to the event.
There would, of course, need to be rules. No bombing, no inflatable flamingos before 10 o’clock, and absolutely no dogs after they’ve discovered the shallow end.
Finally, may I express the sincere hope that, should this scheme come to fruition, the only floaters to be encountered will be children’s arm bands. It would do wonders for village morale if everyone could leave the pool discussing the water temperature rather than anything less savoury drifting downstream.
I offer this suggestion in the spirit of community enterprise and look forward to hearing from anyone with experience in river redirection, amphibian engineering or, failing that, a particularly long spade.
Yours, in hopeful anticipation of cooler days!
Dear reader:
I was delighted to read the recent proposal to divert the River Gitt through the park to provide the village with a much-needed lido. At first glance, it may appear to be the ramblings of someone who has spent rather too long in the sun. On reflection, however, I concluded that it merely requires the same qualities as every successfulGittisham enterprise: optimism, volunteers, and someone willing to lend a tractor.
Those imagining this to be a simple weekend project are perhaps underestimating the scale of the undertaking. Diverting a river is not a one-man job. It will, as they say, take a village. Fortunately, we have one.
Naturally, there will be practical considerations. The Gittisham Farm calves have an uncanny ability to appear wherever water is involved, and I suspect at least a handful will find themselves enjoying the new current before anyone notices. Still, the prospect of an afternoon swim accompanied by half a dozen inquisitive calves seemsconsiderably more appealing than sharing a beach with inflatable unicorns and someone else’s portable speaker.
The annual fete committee will also, I imagine, insist upon one non-negotiable condition: that every one of the 200 duck race ducks is safely retrieved before the sluices are opened. Anyone who has spent an hour searching nettle beds for Duck No. 143 will appreciate why no sensible person would risk sending the entire flotilla halfwayto Ottery.
The Village Hall Committee should, of course, seize the opportunity. “Laps and Lunches” could become a regular Tuesday fixture, while “Aqua Aerobics and Apple Cake” has a certain ring to it. Our annual quiz night might finally include a round where contestants are expected to know which team has drifted furthest downstream. I understand the committee is also considering whether wet wellies constitute appropriate footwear for committee meetings.
As for the Gittisham Glen, I can see no reason why it should not become our own riverside promenade. A few strategically placed benches, a lifebuoy or two, and perhaps a discreet notice reminding visitors that the newts are there to supervise water quality, not to be interviewed about it.
I remain convinced that, with sufficient goodwill, enough wheelbarrows and only a modest amount of interference from the Environment Agency, this could become one of Gittisham’s finest achievements.
After all, if we can organise a flower show, a duck race, and persuade otherwise sensible adults to compete over potatoes in buckets, redirecting an entire river hardly seems beyond us.
Geraldine Gitt
Forever supplying boomer wisdom
Dear Geraldine
Dear Sir,
Unease Over the Potato-in-a-Bucket Debate
I write in response to the recent correspondence(Letters,June26) concerning the glorious and legendary “Potato in a Bucket” competition, that singular highlight of the Gittisham Flower and Vegetable Show.
While I share the general admiration for this cherished village institution, I must express a degree of unease about the direction the discussion has taken.
Credit Where It Is Due
The “Deeply Concerned Potato Grower” — whom I shall refer to as DCPG — has, no doubt, voiced concerns that others may previously have entertained, though perhaps only under their breath. For that, DCPG deserves thanks.
Likewise, Geraldine — hereafter GG — should be applauded for a reply that was clear, unequivocal and, in the main, perfectly adequate.
The Real Aim of the Competition
However, both correspondents appear to share a misunderstanding about the competition’s true purpose. The aim is not simply to produce the largest single specimen, but to maximise the overall growth of the potatoes in the bucket.
It is an easy enough error to make, but such comments have consequences. I am reliably informed that at least one seasoned — indeed, well-honed — adjudicator has been shaken in their preparations for this year’s event.
A Thought for the Adjudicators
This competition is, after all, the main attraction of the show — second only, perhaps, to the cup of tea and the quietly snaffled second slice of cake.
For an audience so well educated in the art of root growth, the spectre of a Viagra-stimulated “mega-spud” is surely an unwelcome distraction. Spare a thought, please, for those charged with judging these noble tubers.
Further Assistance
For anyone seeking further guidance on this delicate subject — possibly including GG, and definitely DCPG — the Gazette refers readers to the charitable organisation .
(Ed: after police advisory, name and address withheld)
Sir,
I must thank your latest correspondent for taking such a scholarly interest in the Potato in a Bucket competition. It is reassuring to know that, even in these uncertain times, someone is prepared to defend the honour of the humble spud with such admirable vigour.
I am especially grateful for the clarification that the objective is to maximise the overall crop rather than produce one unnaturally dominant specimen. I confess I had not appreciated that this distinction was causing sleepless nights amongst our seasoned adjudicators, though I daresay they’ve seen enough odd-looking tubers over the years to avoid being too easily startled.
As for the suggestion that I may need “further guidance”, I can only say that my potatoes have always managed perfectly well without chemical assistance. In my experience, if a potato has to rely on Viagra to make an impression, it probably lacks substance beneath the skin.
The true champions of Gittisham have always been those that perform naturally, fill the bucket generously and leave everyone quietly satisfied at the end of the day. Size alone has never guaranteed success—something most gardeners, and indeed most married couples, worked out years ago.
May this year’s competition be free from performance-enhancing substances, inflated expectations and any further discussion of erect tubers. The judges have enough on their plates already… alongside the tea and that entirely justified second slice of cake.
Geraldine Gitt
Forever supplying boomer wisdom.
I write with the utmost concern regarding this year’s potato-growing competition.
While I have always believed the event to be a shining example of agricultural integrity, recent observations have left me questioning whether all competitors are relying solely on sunshine, rainwater, and honest gardening.
Rumours abound that one particularly enthusiastic grower has been administering suspicious quantities of Viagra to his prize potatoes in the hope of achieving unusual firmness and impressive dimensions. While I am no horticultural scientist, I struggle to believe that potatoes should stand quite so proudly at the weigh-in.
Furthermore, another competitor’s harvest appears remarkably similar to the specimens available at the local supermarket. Several villagers have reportedly witnessed furtive
movements involving carrier bags and a suspiciously clean bucket shortly before judging commenced.
I am not making accusations, merely raising questions that any reasonable potato enthusiast would ask.
Questions such as:
- Why do some potatoes arrive cleaner than a surgeon’s instruments?
- Why do certain competitors become nervous when asked why their potatoes look different to everyone else’s?
- Why does one exhibit appear to bear the exact dimensions of a commercially graded baking potato?
For the preservation of village honour, I respectfully suggest stricter inspections, random bucket checks, and, if necessary, performance-enhancing substance testing for all root vegetables.
Yours in the pursuit of fair competition, A Deeply Concerned Potato Grower
(who definitely did not come second last year and is absolutely not bitter about it)
Dear Concerned Potato Grower,
Thank you for your letter, which arrived on my desk accompanied by a quantity of indignation rarely seen outside parish council meetings and parking disputes.
First, let me assure you that I take allegations of vegetable misconduct extremely seriously. The suggestion that a competitor may be administering Viagra to potatoes is certainly a novel one. However, until science confirms the existence of performance-enhancing drugs for root vegetables, I would advise caution before drawing conclusions from a potato’s size, firmness, or overall confidence.
As for the accusation that another grower may be supplementing their harvest with shop-bought specimens, I must point out that the burden of proof is rather higher than “it looked a bit too tidy.” Some gardeners are blessed with green fingers; others are blessed with the ability to remove soil without causing an international incident.
My advice is simple. Resist the urge to become the village’s self-appointed Potato Detective. Instead, focus your energies on your own crop. Water diligently, feed appropriately, and avoid staking out supermarket vegetable aisles with binoculars.
Should you discover a competitor wheeling a trolley full of baking potatoes directly into the show tent, then by all means alert the organisers. Until then, remember that village shows are intended to celebrate community spirit, not launch agricultural tribunals.
And if someone does produce a potato of truly extraordinary proportions, perhaps the correct response is not suspicion but admiration—or at least a request for their growing tips.
Yours faithfully,
Geraldine Gitt
Forever supplying boomer wisdom.